I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
