i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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