Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
