She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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