My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
