Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
