I'm so fucking centered right now
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
