I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize