i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
As shirtless as possible
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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