So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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