He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
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He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
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i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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