Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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