My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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