I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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