You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
