it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
