I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
