So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
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We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
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I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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