:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
