if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
