My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Found your dick twin last night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
