Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
