Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
