3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
