doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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