I'm gonna have a badass scar
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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