apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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