what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
