I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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