she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
