saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
