you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
