is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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