I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize