I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
