You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
