I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
