Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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