so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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