I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
