Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.