can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
smell my finger.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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