Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
