i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
