I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
