you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
