just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
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it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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