I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
