It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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