i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
