Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
