all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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