The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
