Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
