shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
