I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
