My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Your penis caused this!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
