Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
