BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
